Story highlights
- Friendships are built on relationship skills that can be learned and strengthened over time.
- Research shows friendships matter at every age for mental, physical and social well-being.
In the classic film “It’s a Wonderful Life,” George Bailey learns a lesson that has been passed down to generations of moviegoers: “No man is a failure who has friends.”
Friendships can begin on the playground, in a classroom or at work. And while the way we make and maintain friends may change as we age, the need for meaningful social connections remains.
September is National Friendship Month — a time to celebrate the people who enrich our lives and to consider why friendships matter so much to our well-being.
But what makes someone a good friend? What do friendships provide that our relationships with spouses, parents and children do not? And how do the friendships we need change throughout life?
ASU News spoke with Laura Hanish about the science of friendships, why they matter to our mental and physical health, and what research tells us about online versus face-to-face friendships.
Hanish is the executive director of the T. Denny Sanford Harmony institute at Arizona State University. She is an experienced leader in the field of developmental science with a body of work spanning over 25 years.
Note: The following interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Question: What qualities make a person a "good friend"?
Answer: Being a good friend starts with good relationship skills. Examples of relationship skills include working with others to resolve problems, taking responsibility by apologizing and making amends after doing something to harm someone else, showing interest in others, showing kindness, comforting others who are upset and being cooperative.
Q: How does our understanding of what it means to be a good friend change over time?
A: We begin to learn (the skills that make a good friend) in childhood, such as when a parent or teacher reminds a child to take turns. We have opportunities to practice them again and again as we get older. And we have the opportunity to take in feedback from others to help us understand when, where or how our skills may need bolstering. In other words, relationship skills, like other kinds of skills, can be learned and improved upon.
Beyond relationship skills, which are important at all ages, the nature of friendships can change as people get older. For young children, friendships are often formed on the basis of shared interests or activities. Shared interests can also ground friendships for adolescents and adults. However, with age, other factors, such as trust and being able to count on someone, also become important.
Q: What do friendships give us that relationships with parents, children, spouses and romantic partners cannot?
A: Unlike relationships with parents or children, friendships typically occur among individuals who are relatively close in age and status. Thus, friendships provide opportunities to negotiate and co-create the rules and structure of the relationship. With equal status, individuals can take turns leading interactions or cooperating to collaboratively reach an outcome.
While romantic partners are also often close in age and status, these relationships carry other expectations, such as joint responsibilities for home life, family life and financial stability. Such joint responsibilities are not key components of friendships, allowing friendships to fill unique niches in individuals’ overall relationship lives.
Q: What does friendship do for our psychological and physical health? Does that change depending on our age?
A: Friendships are incredibly important for all aspects of human well-being. Research has shown that friendships make a difference for academic achievement, financial stability, psychological well-being and health. Imagine if you are sick. Whether or not you have friends who might call on you, provide assistance or offer a shoulder to cry on can make the difference between a speedier and better recovery and a slower and poorer recovery. Nurturing friendships is important for living healthy and successful lives.
Friendships start to become important early in life. Even infants notice other children and are responsive to the behaviors of other children, beginning to engage in rudimentary social interactions early in life. By the time children are preschool age, friendships look similar to the friendships that people have later in childhood, adolescence or adulthood. In other words, friendships matter at all ages.
Q: Are there particular stages of life when friendships become harder to make or maintain? Why?
A: Maintaining friendships can be challenging when circumstances that surround friendship development change. For instance, friends who meet at school or in the workplace may be challenged to maintain the friendship if those settings change, like if one or more of the friends leave the school or workplace. Alternatively, new people may come into the setting, shifting patterns of friendships.
Put differently, life transitions may affect maintenance of friendships. During these periods, it may be necessary to seek out new friendship opportunities and be open to the possibility that new friends may bring new joys, as when a new friend introduces you to an enjoyable activity that you have not done before. It is important to remember that some friendships are lifelong whereas others are shorter term, operating for specific periods of time. It may be painful when friendships dissolve, but it is also a normal aspect of friendship.
Q: How has technology impacted our social relationships?
A: Technology plays increasing roles in human lives, shifting time use away from historical patterns that tended to involve face-to-face activities to new patterns that may involve face-to-screen activities. One of the lessons learned during COVID was that the loss of face-to-face time was detrimental to human well-being and led to loneliness. As technology develops, it is important that friendships also develop and that people be intentional about creating opportunities to connect with others.
Q: For someone who feels lonely or realizes they don’t have the friendships they want, what does research tell us about making a new friend — whether that person is 8, 48 or 78?
A: One way to start making a new friend is to find and build upon similarities. Join an activity that interests you, for example. Another way to make a friend is to work through existing friends. Research shows that friends of friends are likely to also become one’s own friend. Thus, ask your current friends to introduce you to others that you might like. Still another way to make a friend, and perhaps an even more important and meaningful way, is to look for opportunities to build understanding and connection with people who may be more different than similar. There are unique benefits that come from making friends with others who are different. For instance, different people may bring different ideas or skills or interests to a relationship. These can enrich the relationship while also widening the repertoire of skills and experiences for each member of the relationship. Thus, you might knock on the door of a neighbor who is different from you or go outside of your comfort zone to participate in a novel activity where you could meet someone who is unique.
Q: What is something most of us believe about friendship that research suggests is wrong?
A: We might want to believe that friends always get along smoothly, are in perfect alignment and never have conflicts. This simply is not true. Conflicts, disagreements, misunderstandings, hurt feelings and even betrayals can arise among friends. These more challenging interactions do not necessarily mean that the friendship is doomed or a failure. This can simply be a normal part of the complexities of a relationship between two unique people. What matters most in the circumstance is not whether someone was hurt or disappointed; rather, it is how the problem is addressed. Do the friends acknowledge the disruption in the relationship? Do they take responsibility as appropriate? Do they strive to respectfully communicate their own needs and listen openly to their friend’s needs? Do they work together to solve a problem? Answers to questions such as these matter far more than whether a conflict occurs.
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