Being kind to oneself protects parents from depression
Research from the ASU Department of Psychology shows that parents of young children who are self-compassionate experience fewer depressive symptoms up to a year later. Photo by Puwadon Sang-ngern/Pexels
Burning dinner. Shrinking your child’s favorite T-shirt in the laundry. Losing your temper and snapping at your child.
The aftermath of these types of mistakes can be stressful, and how parents respond to that stress can contribute to depression — or stave it off.
Research from the Arizona State University Department of Psychology and University of Washington School of Medicine shows that parents who tend to be self-compassionate — being kind to themselves, especially in times of stress — are more protected against developing future depressive symptoms.
Depression is common among parents of young children, and preventing it is important because children whose parents struggle with depression are at higher risk for mental and physical health problems, behavioral issues and decreased academic performance.
“Self-compassion is about recognizing that no matter your flaws or failures, you deserve kindness. It is you recognizing that making mistakes does not make you a bad parent — it just makes you human,” said Erin Mistretta, first author on the study and alumna of the ASU clinical psychology doctoral program. Mistretta is now at the University of Washington.
According to the study, which was published in Mindfulness, self-compassion had a protective effect against depression that lasted up to a year.
Refilling the tank with kindness
The researchers followed 500 parents, nearly 40% of whom lived near or below the poverty line, from when their children were 1 year old until they were 9.
During that eight-year period, the parents were assessed for depressive symptoms and asked questions about whether they treated themselves with compassion when their children were 1 year old, 8 years old and 9 years old. This study was part of the Arizona Twin Project. Though all the parents had twins, the research team said that the finding that self-compassion protects against depression applies to all parents — and probably even to people without children.
“Someone who has high levels of self-compassion responds to stress in a healthy way," said Kathryn Lemery-Chalfant, professor of psychology and senior author on the paper. "They first identify that they are feeling stressed, give themselves a break by remembering that everyone feels stress sometimes, and then are caring towards themselves. An example would be a new mother carving out time to treat herself to a pedicure, a new outfit or an evening out with friends.”
Parents who reported higher levels of self-compassion when their kids were 8 years old had fewer depressive symptoms one year later, when their children were 9.
“If you’re managing depression, consider making self-compassion part of your tool kit,” Mistretta said. “In this study, the relationship between higher self-compassion and fewer depressive symptoms a year later was true even among parents who were already using medication or receiving therapy for depression.”
The levels of depressive symptoms and of self-compassion did not change much from when the children were 1 year old to when they were 8 or 9, which Mistretta said suggests that being kind to oneself is not a one-time fix.
“Being kind to yourself can help soften the impact of depression. Each new stage of parenting brings challenges, and self-compassion should be thought of as a tank that needs to be refilled regularly,” she said.
Self-compassion can be as simple as taking a moment to put your hand on your chest, close your eyes and breathe deeply, Lemery-Chalfant explained, adding that practicing it regularly is something anyone can learn how to do.
Sierra Clifford, research specialist, Mary Davis, professor of psychology, and Leah Doane, chair and professor of psychology, were co-authors of the study. This research was supported by the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (grants R01HD079520 and R01HD086085).
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